When I see a public representation of sexuality that is at odds with truth, it makes me very upset. The often unspoken messages fly at us from many directions and are unavoidable. What bothers me so much is not simply that they make what is wrong look good, but that in doing so, they make what is good and wonderful seem bad by association. I am upset by the attack on pure and superior pleasure through an inundation of pitiful substitutes. Let me elaborate.
God designed sex to be a means of saying to another person, "All that I am and all that I have I give completely and only to you for the rest of my life." He never intended for the full disclosure and sharing of the body to be separated from the full disclosure and sharing of every other aspect of life. This design is beautiful, profound, and satisfying. Ripping sex from its intended context is debasing and wasting a gift that has glorious meaning and potential. According to the Bible, dissecting sex from exclusive relationship and personal love is not just wrong, but stupid: it is settling for a pitiful substitute for the beauty and pleasure God had in mind when He created it.
When I was trying to clarify the attitude behind lust to a group of students, I used this illustration:
"Once upon a time a wealthy prince lived in a vast kingdom. He would spend the day riding his steed through his domain, enjoying the sights and sounds. One day, as he was on one of these excursions, he observed a peasant maid in the field, sowing seed. He noted her gorgeous long blonde hair, and was intrigued. Upon arriving back home at the palace that evening, he told his servant of the experience. "Her hair was a golden in the sun. I love it. I want it. Get it for me." So the next day the servant obeyed and did what was needed, cutting off and bringing back the long blonde hair for the prince. As the prince rode his steed the next day he noticed another maiden, sewing a tunic as she sat beside a well. He noticed her smooth, soft, white hands, and was impressed. Upon returning to his palace he relayed what he had seen to his servant and expressed his desire. "Those beautiful hands...I love them. Get them for me..."
And so the story could go on, in a quick and hideous downward spiral. The point? Not unlike the perverted fascination of the prince, lust is the dissecting of another's body from her person. In all its powerful passion, in isolating body from soul, and sexual desire from whole relationship, lust utterly demeans both sex and the personhood of another human being.
There is no question that pleasure can be had through using sex as we please without reference to God's will as revealed in the Bible. What most people don't understand is that God never prohibits us from any pleasure but for the sake of guarding and giving us a greater one. God hates our missing out on His design through our misguided pursuits after pitiful inferior pleasures.
Sexual pleasure outside of a covenant relationship is like someone looking at a postcard of the Grand Canyon and supposing that he has experienced the real thing.
Or, sexual pleasure outside of a covenant relationship is like eating through a box of twinkies, differing from each other only in the color of their wrappers. Sex according to God's design is like sitting down to a sumptuous, multi-course, gourmet feast.
Before I say a word more I must quickly clarify that I in no way intend to imply that being married guarantees a good love life. There are plenty of marriages with miserable sex-lives. I am simply stating that the potential within any marriage for truly great sex is exponentially greater than the very best experiences outside of these oft-resented confines. (I cannot go deeply into how to bridge the gap between sexual potential and reality in marriage, but I would recommend such excellent books as When Two Become One by Christopher & Rachel McCluskey and The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy & Kathy Keller.)
If I ever wrote a wildly successful book or did something that somehow got me in front of a wide-audience interviewer, I would love to casually say theses words:
"You know, you've never really experienced sex until you've been married to the same person five or ten years, know each other better than ever, have been through some trials and difficulty together, still love each other more than anyone, and in that context give yourselves to one another passionately and completely."
Admittedly there is some hyperbole there, but I hope you follow the point. Immorality is common, natural, predictable, easy and shallow. Loving sex in marriage is uncommon, rare, undeserved; hard to come by, supernatural, wondrous.
TV, movies, and books alike frequently portray "free sex" as desirable and consequence-free. Besides the many glaring misrepresentations I would like to also stress that it is actually pitiable. It's pitiable that so many people have their capacities for experiencing and giving true intimate pleasure so decimated by the counterfeits. It is pitiable that people mistake false and superficial intimacy for the real thing. For all that the counterfeits promise, what they actually do is steal our capacity for giving and receiving genuine love.
What are some differences between sexual lust and love? Between God's design and almost everything you can see portrayed through media? Here are a few of the contrasts:
--Lust makes sex a performance, instead of an unaffected and innocent expression of love.
--Lust expresses impersonal passion instead of being a singular and personal expression of love that exists for only one other.
--Lust leads to the superficial fulfillment of a shallow desire, while sex is meant to express the profound: "All that I am I give to you alone for all my life." Marriage is the only place this is possible.
--Lust expresses shallow passion in a mere consummation of chemicals versus the radical passion of true covenant love that God designed sex to consummate.
--Lust leaves you damaged in soul and body while love leaves you enriched in soul and body.
The contrast is great. Do you want your passion to be more like a drug-high, or like the brilliant climax of a painstakingly composed masterpiece of music? The music is worth the sacrifice.
I
said earlier that God never prohibits us any pleasure except to guard and give us
a greater one. It's true that sex in a loving covenant relationship has
potential for much greater pleasure than the shallow counterfeits of
lust. But I would be amiss if I implied that sex in marriage is the
greatest pleasure that God is trying to guard for us. The fact is that,
according to the Bible, oneness in marriage is only a parable, a reflection of
something much greater. It is a shadow of the Real Thing. The
Reality is the intimacy and ecstasy that we can have in knowing Christ Jesus,
in union with Him by the Spirit. He is the One whose delightfulness we
were created to be truly overwhelmed by. Our problem is that we
can treat the wedding and marriage language of the Bible as metaphorical, when
actually the best marriage ever on earth is a "metaphor" for the
eternal, heavenly one. By the Spirit, we can begin to experience this
ultimate pleasure even now, through fellowship with Christ. "In your
presence is fullness of joy" (Psalm 16:11). Even the foretaste that
we can experience here on earth is better than the best temporal pleasure the
world can give us.
The
fact is that you cannot fully enjoy the representation that sex is meant to be
if you don't know the ultimate reality that it is pointing to. But you don't need
to experience the reflection to know the Reality. Jesus never experienced
sex when He came, but He was the most whole and vibrant person to ever walk the
earth, because He experienced the reality of intimate relationship with God
more than anyone ever had.
Don't
settle for less than the pleasure that God created sex to point to. Jesus sacrificed that pleasure on the cross so that He could give it to you--intimate and satisfying
relationship with Him that only grows better with time (forever).
And
don't settle for the pathetic counterfeits that lust offers. If you are
married, aim to experience God's fullest design for sex. If you are
single, see through the pitiful counterfeits that are constantly hurled
at you, and wait for the better pleasure that God intended in covenant
relationship. But married or single, persevere in pursuing the ultimate
Pleasure, for which the best sex in the world is only a pale reflection.
"...and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory..." 1 Peter 1:8
"...I
count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ
Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count
them but rubbish that I may gain Christ..." Philippians 3:8
So very, very powerful, true, and wonderful. Thank you for the fresh reminder.
ReplyDeleteYou are very wise. I think all of what you wrote is spot on! Even though I am confident that I will save myself entirely for my wife, it's still always good to have reminders of why I have made my commitment, and how meaningful it is to save yourself. It truly is more than just a physical chemical ecstasy that God wants for us.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to see you become famous and say those words. The newspaper the next day would be interesting, too.
ReplyDeleteBut smiles aside, so very true. A message that needs to go out to our culture and the world.