Recently I was thinking about what it means to “love your
wife as Christ loved the church.” This
is the key to a good marriage, right?
But think about this:
If you love your wife with single-hearted devotion and
consistent sacrificial service, then can you be sure--
That you’ll ensure the results you want when you want them?
That you’ll guarantee the relationship of your dreams?
If you treat her like a queen, will she treat you like a
king? Maybe, but not necessarily. Ask
Hosea the prophet. (See the book of Hosea.) If you’re still not convinced, then
ask Jesus. He is the one and only
perfect bridegroom, with a flawless record and ongoing perfect performance. He has sought and is continually seeking the highest
joy of His bride, but He is still often belittled, ignored, or refused. Have you ever slighted or ignored the Lover
of your soul? If you have responded this
way to perfect love, then you should never feel entitled to a correct response
to your love. We need to be wary of
basing our love on the desired response to it.
Sometimes I’m afraid we subconsciously mix our American
pragmatism in with the call of the gospel-pattern. Even with teaching on the desired benefits of
living according to the pattern Christ sets for husbands in marriage, we are in
danger of subtly clinging to the natural desire of our heart to stay in control. (The same holds true on Bible-teaching about
parenting.) The danger exists in any
teaching on relationships that implies, “As long as you do A, you will ensure
B.” God will always satisfy the soul
that seeks Him but He is the only one with whom right relationship has a sure
result--and the necessity of right relationship with Him is losing control, by releasing it to Him. In human relationships, there is no formula
for obtaining the outcome we want when we want it—no matter how pure our
desire, or healthy our means. The path
of love is not a guaranteed success formula.
The point of this post is not to discourage husbands or put
down wives. Nor is it a not-so-subtle
complaint against my own wonderful wife!*
In fact, husbands likely have greater cumulative blame for poor
marriages than wives do. My point is
that, for us to “love our wives like Christ loved the church,” we need to
understand what that means. One thing it
does not mean is, “act in the way that
will ensure the results you want when you want them.” Jesus, the perfect Discipler, had deficient disciples. Jesus, the perfect Lover, has an unreliable
bride. Removing the expectation of guaranteed results on our timetable necessitates having a motive for love
that will last without it. If the motive
is not guaranteed results, then what
is it?
The only way to love your spouse consistently and enduringly
is by it being the overflow of Christ’s own sacrificial and satisfying love for
you. Your love must be the pursuit of her
joy and transformation through that same satisfaction. The consistency of your love will not depend
on her responsiveness, but on His constancy.
Yes, this is the
way that desirable effects will most likely take place, that your wife will be happy and become all that God
made her to be. It is the path for discovering the best possible marriage. Christ’s bride will be radiant. But remember the journey of Hosea, and
remember that of Jesus. To truly love another
“as Christ loved” you means depending ultimately
on His beauty, on His love for you. It means relishing the promise of the
outcome that He has ensured through
His sacrifice. It means leaning on Him
in your pursuit of her good. And like
Hosea, it means discovering the staggering mercy and sufficiency of the
ultimate Bridegroom. This beauty makes
it all worth it.
“I will heal their
apostasy; I will love them freely, for My anger has turned away from them… O
Ephraim, what more have I to do with idols?
It is I who answer and look after you.
I am like a luxuriant cypress; from Me comes your fruit.” Hosea 14:4,8
*[This post is officially approved by my wife. :)]
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